2021 a year of hope

After every day seems to be blurred into one monotonous episode in 2020, I am hoping this year would be filled with more personal development and achievement. In one word, growth. I have been feeling stagnant for some time and I shouldn't continue to feel so. Enough with what happened in the past two years, I have taken a lot of time reading self-help books to boost myself up and its time to act. I am committed to take charge and responsibility towards the life I am creating. I have no one to impress, but only myself to prove that I can improve regardless. I hope this year I will keep on hoping and doing, keep on having the faith no matter how impossible what I seek may look.

I am also slowly realising that life is a series of choice. Every single moment is a choice. And in each choice, its either we are busy growing, or dying. I really hope I am growing, bit by bit. And I really hope I am utilising our finite days here on this world, before we eventually be resurrected and questioned for our deeds.

I hope I will always keep the bigger picture in my mind. That this life is nothing more but an amusement and play. And at the same time remember, that the way I am living this life, dictates how I am going to live the truer life in the hereafter soon.

May my and yours record of deeds this year would be beautiful.

And this worldly life is not but diversion and amusement. And indeed, the home of the Hereafter - that is the [eternal] life, if only they knew.    -Quran Al-'Ankabut 29:64

 

Do not, then, either lose heart or grieve: for you shall surely gain the upper hand if you are true men of faith.                                                      - Quran Ali 'Imran 3:139

A recap of the in-between years before they are lost

To be fair, I keep complaining about myself, which when I come to think about it, is the reason why I keep running around in this circle of messiness. I last wrote in this blog until 2017. Three years has passed since, but honestly I feel those three years went so slowly with almost no progress on my end, as compared to my hectic days in previous years. But is this true?

Lets rewind and see.

2017. My second and third year in architecture school. During my semester break, I had my first psychosis episode while I was a facilitator in Small Changes camp in Kuala Krai, Kelantan. I didnt know what was happening at that time, I was super confused, but I concluded that I had a severe depression which I kept silence, led me to hallucination and delusion. All my life I couldnt ask for help, simply because I really did not know how. I have grown to settle my issues on my own, or either just run away from it. But this experience finally led me to reach out for help from my family for the first time. Thats a huge step for me. 

• I also learnt that unresolved issue will haunt you until you fixed them. I have so many unresolved problems, I thought just dismissing them would do but thats a mistake. So settle your problems as quick as you can to avoid them linger much longer, no matter how hard they are. When they linger around, you cant quite keep your mind focus on other things freely.
• Dont pent up your feelings. They can and will explode. Learn to manage your stress effectively.

I also moved house from 61 Summer Street to 113 Edward Street Flats. I came back early because of SSOA student ambassador program, thus the move alone thing. 

2018. My final year. Or what supposed to be my final year. Right when its about my final week of review (or called crit in most archi school) I had another episode of explosion / which is actually my psychosis. This time severe, more embarassing and I probably would not forget them until another decade. I was sent to a mental health ward (Michael Carlisle Centre) where I made a lot of friends and met my new best friend. Which is the best thing. And definitely my best two weeks in my life because the experience I had there was super rich and golden. (I save that for story time later inshaAllah)

So I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I dont think I have bipolar tho, because honestly I dont remember having manic episode ever, except that psychosis. I spent a lot of times going to and back from hospitals. Went to all sort of hospitals too, which fascinates me since I never went to hospitals at all except for the very rare once-in-many-years medical check-ups. I went to quite a few mental health hospital too to visit K. He was transferred many times, from Burbage where we met, to Endcliffe, to London. Probably gonna wrote about this on another time too. And I took the extenuating circumstance year. Which means I gonna extend the year doing architecture from my home and submit my portfolio online (since I have no money to study in the UK for that long without scholarship money!)

2019. Honestly 2019 and this year are blurring into one single continuos and monotonous year since I didn't achieve and do much. Most of it because of my fear of driving. Hope I will get to overcome this soon! But miraculously, despite the inefficiency of working from home and not in studio culture, not having a crit, not having a tutor, i officially got my degree! That was truly a blessing from Allah SWT when in reality I really feel like I did not deserve to even pass it. 

And I was again blessed when my parents enable me to attend my graduation, as my cousins came along with me which I never would have imagine. 

2020. I started my career with being an illustrator. Really, I cant think of anything else of what I did. Will continue later brb 

2020 what the world has turned into?

Let me begin by saying how grateful I am that blogspot is still here, that my blog is still up and running, that I can still look back and reread everything that I wrote in my humble little online diary. 

For future reference, this year the world seems to be flipped upside down as pandemic Covid-19 swept all across the globe. We have been in lockdown and quarantine mode for quite some time now. Now the offices (some of them) apply Work From Home / WFH culture. Which make me feel not left out since I work from home all the time. In fact, people spend most of their times staying at home, cross state travel are not allowed, even simply going out is not encouraged. 'New normal' slogan are being used here and there. Washing hands with hand sanitizers, temperature check and a login are a must when entering shops and shopping malls.

Its crazy. But it shows that we human have so little control over what's gonna happen next. We plan but eventually this is teaching us He is the best planner. I realized I have spent a lot of my times worrying and being anxious about a lot of things when really, I need to remind myself over and over again to surrender completely to Him; have tawakkal in Him and let Allah drive my life; that is when, maybe finally, my negativity will leave and I can then start to embrace the goodness in this life. 

To tell you the truth, I am so tired of feeling like a shit. I know I shouldn't feel so, but honestly, thats what having no real progress/ visual growth made me feel like. I guess this is what happened when you are stuck mostly in your room and glued to the social media, they really take a toll on your mental health. 

But I am learning to be better each day. I am trying to work hard to be a version of me my future self will thank me, despite my mental disorder. And by my future self, I mean way future in the akhirah when I will be questioned by Allah. I hope and praying by that time my current me wont let myself down.

Self-discovery About My Name!

I need to put this down. because. God's. works. are so. amazing! Subhanallah!

So sometime in the beginning of this semester, I introduced myself to an Arab woman over a Gelato socials after a Friday prayer. Personally she looks very much like Emma Watson, and when she speaks, I have to admit it, that she is just as charming! 

Amazing thing is, she asked me "Do I know the meaning of my name, Ulfah?"

My reply is: "Its similar to ukhuwah isn't it?" Because thats honestly what I thought.

Up until she said, yes but no, "ulfah is from allafa.... its like a bond of the heart" It was a new thing to me, and I didn't get it completely, so she gave me the surah it is from.

Now fast forward to 2 December, I decided to google the exact surah but I could not remember what surah the verse she said was from. 

And now, I found out that the roots of my name; alif lam fa - occurs 22 times in the Quran. 

And in the verb form, it simplified meaning is...... to reconcile!!! Reconcile is exactly the words of the year! The answer to how to reconcile is exactly what I have been searching for! Ill continue writing later iA if I have time. But for now, thats all!! 

For future reference

http://corpus.quran.com/qurandictionary.jsp?q=Alf