So the first day of Ramadhan started today. . . and from the looks of it its going to be more joyful than last year I hope.
It started with much excitements. Guided with numerous preaches ( which I carefully listened to every single words ) And now supervised by much visible angels. Honestly. It works. For I am a type of extremely stubborn-to-be-motivated person even by any parties in the universe and easily demotivated just by myself. That guidance. It alarmingly motivates me. At least I can feel it.
I was listening to another plain ceramah during my busy KPI ( used to be called EDI ) week. I have to admit that. Because in contrast to our exhibition and Malam Rindu Ilahi, the response were much lively spirited. Tak baiknya cakap jujur macam ni. But anyway they were so frantically awesome! ( Frantically was an important word because ) they were the eleventh hour programs but yeah it was no less thrilled than ever. ( A story for another time maybe ) Okay Get back to my main point here. I was in a state where I was idly listening to each monotonous words with an only-seventy-percent conscious mind. A monotone which emerge people around me to fall asleep ( the disadvantage of having bad seat in the back ) But moment after that. I started to think. I mean, think what lies behind the sounds and words uttered.
Every heart beat sends a million knives through my veins
Every thought sends a sharp stab through my heart
Every vision releases a waterfall of tears
Every beautiful word kills me.
It struck me because all of this while I never appreciate what Ramadhan really is. I didnt in fact keep my eyes open. I feel bad now that I know I used to take it for granted. For years.
I really want to make the most out of this Ramadhan. If this is the month for ummah, so we shall celebrate it ultimately. Buying all those things you wanted, satisfy your lust, having deluxe meals for iftar, hibernate like forever just because of your sudden fatigue. No. This are not how you supposed to deal it. Yes it is to be celebrated. But instead with sadaqah, tadabbur and thousands sunnatullah that had long forgotten and fading. Kadang2 kita rasa malas sangat nak buat tapi nilah namanya the school of tarbiyah. This is the moment you have to force yourself to do it, or you wont. Paksa diri untuk bekerja over time untuk Allah. Keep your head down and stay moderate. Tundukkan pandangan. Tame your lust. Control them with your mind. Place yourself amidst those servants of Allah, not the servants of Ramadhan. Bear in mind all this.
Rasulullah SAW: Ramai yang puasa, tetapi balasannya hanya lapar dan dahaga (tiada pahala) dan ramai orang berjaga malam (beribadah) tetapi balasannya hanyalah mengantuk (tiada pahala). [Riwayat Tabarani]
Ramadhan ni untuk roh kita. Bukan untuk fizikal macam diorang selalu cakap. Untuk kurus lah etc. Bukan setakat baca sebanyak mungkin huruf2 Al Quran. But the meaning behind those verses. This time I dont want to be in that group of majority. Puasa hanya lapar dan dahaga. Whereas all the blessing in it had long gone.
This is the right moment, which had been preserved just for us. So that we could prepare our taqwa. I used to question so much what is taqwa before since it sounded so abstract ( I hate abstract words so much ) . But now the vision is much stronger. But I am sorry I still couldnt find the right words to explain it even in brief. Anyway. This is the school of TAQWA. Try ulfa... try to find each symbolic meaning in each action you do. Grab the unseen gifts from Him. Accept your weaknesses but try to fight them by using your strength. I am nothing. But best of all, Allah still and always there for you.
Now I want to get rid this hypocracy out of me. Away with the syaitan laknatullah. Dont disturb me while I am busy mending myself.