Friday, September 16, 2011

Faded

For more than once, I tried to run away from everything I own. I want to creep  into the deepest hole I can find and stay there without fear until everyone completely forget who I am. And the world will mark me as anonymous so I am free and untied to anyone.

Remember how I once told you that I was working on a gigantic horse sculpture? Not me alone though, along with other nine friends as well. I merely thought it was no more than a work. A work that involve art and that's that. Another work that was willingly added to my jumbled piles of  things-to-do listNevertheless on the contrary, it silently brought me a chaos, a type of which I never felt before. It almost knocked me over. But throughout times, I can simply say it was very problematic. Earlier, I noticed that I'm not suppose to bear this all alone since I have other nine teammates as well, but the fact that I couldnt share the problem with them just easily like that was the reason why I'm all alone. You know how much I couldnt say what I really want to say. One appointed to me that I have a communication breakdown, but I hate to admit that sure enough. I coulnt believe it either since I know very much that I am a person who was vry unlikely to be shy and quiet.

There are few who have been so destructive over this piece of art which later on blend in the confusion I already held inside of me. I didnt blame those peoples, for I know they have their own purpose, but the thing is, they have never talk to me - as a matter of fact. If what I do is wrong they should have said what is supposed to be said and that settle the case or if its not, it helps a lot. But what they did was talking behind my back until one day the news came to me all by itself. At this point, I started to consider what I do is somehow not totally right, but I never consider it as wrong as what they uttered.


Amidst that days as well, I was accused for doing another thing. At that moment I couldnt think whether I really have done that or I was simply accused for doing so. I hate when this happened because fyi, I am so pathetic at memory games and recalling past events - even though that memories may means a lot to me. So at that moment I took the responsibility and admitted. And the consequences grew bigger. Thank you to those who firstly started that story , I dont know who and I dont even want to know that.  But you made me realize that wherever I am I have to stay mediocre and never trust anybody. Even until now I couldnt make up the real answer. But if I really done it the flow will exactly the same. I want to really cocentrate on my study or at least, no boundary but this matter is somehow bulging and bothering me.  So still, thanks to you. I wonder why you have to make things as this complicated? I am now trying to make this thing fade as best as I could. Thats why I am extremely happy to attend a camp next week. At least they dont bother me to see me and vice versa.


I remember how one day I really really wanted to snatch a hatchet and almost - very almost broke the sculpture into pieces. I remember how eventually I have a feeling towards that non-living life that is, hatred. It dont make sense to say that I would miss that troublesome eywwh anymore. For the time being, I changed my ambition to none. I dont want art stream anymore.  I almost resigning as well, but  the saying " . . . Dibuang jawatan lebih bermaruah daripada meletak jawatan. . . " had succesfully stop me. Obviously the head student's mind was way better than me. Phew. I am no more than ordinary girl. And did I diagnosed myself to have a royal schizophrenic? According to Adam Young, I bet I had. Am trying to progress - even slowly.


Goodbye now to the breakdown between thought, emotion and behavior. Farewell to faulty perception and inapt actions and feelings. Goodbye to withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion. Good riddance to an overwhelming sense of mental fragmentation!


Life is way too short to worry about the past, and I for one, don’t have time for anxiety.
Enough. Innallaha ma'ana.

1 comment:

EmberPen said...

you know what, it sometimes take a person a very painful moment to grow up into somebody. and i believe you are taking that path, as how i am.
don't fret. focus on your aim, your goal, your ambition, and keep it that way. the big picture should remain within you and you should strive towards it with every right way as possible that you can find.
i believe Allah made you so that you can do so.
insyaAllah, if you trust me, you won't get anything. but if you trust Allah, everything is in your hands. =)
stay strong, ya ukhti. we are here with you, whether you realize it or not. =)