Self-discovery

Today is one of those days I had to awkwardly hug someone. Because, you know, girls like to hug every time they meet or actually on any random time. Not just to hug her became an issue, I had to explain why I am so not comfortable with hugs, which you know I am so miserable at explaining myself. And bless you this conversation took place in our studio which means everyone can actually hear what we're saying.

I decided to post that on InstaStory today.

I openly wrote on how I am not comfortable with touch and its getting very hard to explain it to people, especially with my best girl friends.

Later I received a private message from eizza suggesting me I should just say 'I have personal space issue', I never think of such term so I googled that out and yes! There's a disorder linked for that issue!

Personal Space Issue.

It all make sense now.

I was so happy not because I have that disorder or anything. But I was so glad there's a term that I can simply use whenever the needs arrive. And part of me is happy to have discovered another character in my personality. Its not major but its interesting because I'm so into that category.

I am always aware of direct touch on me, and by always I mean ALWAYS. Be it from cat, human or any animal. Now I get it why I am not so fond of some animal, because they can touch me whenever.  Now I get it why I cant eat when there's a cat nearby, because at most time the cat will touch me, or worst, jump on my lap.

And my private zone is my castle. I get very uncomfortable when people enter my room. And even now in the UK, my current room is a no-no area to the whole Sheffielders haha. 

Another relatable point of PSI, I hate being in line with someone at my back, which at most time I tried to avoid. In boarding school before, I hardly wait in line for anything. I let other people iron their school uniforms first because I dont like they staring through me. I remember leaving a queue just because the people in the line get so cramped and just recently in Manchester Airport, I let the people behind me to be in front of me just because I can't stand they standing too close to me. 

I spent quite some time reading about this interesting personal space issue over the web. Because I'm surprised how relatable it is.

I leave this one article just for the fun of it :p

https://www.buzzfeed.com/christianzamora/facts-of-life-only-people-who-like-their-personal-space-w?utm_term=.tdr9ME3bD#.hrKrpBVlX

My architecture soulmate

I am in Sarajevo, Bosnia right now. All happy exploring, travelling and all that.

But that was before I realised Joanna left our architecture group and a little later, left me a message: She has already quit architecture.

I was too surprised.

She told me that having decided architecture is not something for her, she is going to pursue animation. And its not in our university, but Sheffield Hallam.

My feelings were scattered all over the places; in between happy that she has figured out something so important for herself, and sad that she's no longer my architecture soulmate.

But of course I'm mostly sad. Sad that my dearest buddy is going away. Sad that she came to this decision alone, that I could not influence her to stay together any more longer. Maybe most importantly sad knowing that my fellow fighter is leaving me to continue my struggle in the architecture madness. 

I know I've got other friends to support each other but we all have that one person who we'll tell our truest feelings without mask. And to me, while I am in Sheffield, that one person is her.

How can I not be sad at this moment. Of course I remember our deep talks, our not-at-all-deep talks, our regular confession on most things, on how messed up we are, on our relief to know we both passed, and those at the very end of last sem - we promised many resolutions for second year. 

We used to complain on many things together and now I would have to complain alone haha.

Only a few days left to second year architecture and now I have to reset my mental again, because I have to admit it. Joanna decision to surrender had screwed up my mood towards architecture if you ask me.

Greeting my lecturer in Malaysia!

So my Sheffield School of Architecture lecturer is in Malaysia! Well actually no surprise, sensing by the many times he pronounced the name of my country and my people and my places, maybe he has always like Malaysia. That and the long 14-hours flight makes me appreciate his visit more. But this is not his first, and this time he aimed to do some research. Here goes my experience of being his research assistant:

Our research was filled with vagueness, we did not know what we will find. 

But in a plain sentence, my lecturer was interested with how people from different ethnicities utilise the same space.

During this research was the moment I was introduced to fellow architecture students in Sheffield. Masters students, which I really wished I've known much earlier. Well knowing how less experienced I was compared to them, I really felt like a tiny ant.

Simply said, the urban research was fun. We roamed around KL in finding public places where we could analyse if any interaction between different ethnicities happened. 

We observe people skins for hours. We were the harmony inspector. 

I realised that just as I sat at my observation spot, I was hoping my multi-racial community is on the street, they are real.

Only the result doesn't seem as real. 

We realised it is quite impossible to find an area that does not cater to a majority which belongs to a single race. 

The research was fun. 

But I don't think the feeling stretched over until the ending.

The day we wrapped up our research was bitter. Or at least thats what I felt. 

Bitterness in the sentiments we voiced out. In our effort to prove how harmony our life is. In our disagreements. But also in the silence we all have agreed on to. 

I wanted to turn this into a beautiful story but I couldn't. 

I'm feeling its ugly scars in me instead. 

Spring Holiday 2016 (Part 1)

I'm trying to give more commitment towards this blog. Because its kinda fun to see my personal activities are being archived, so here you go.

We had three weeks of easter break, and this is roughly what I did:

• First week was slow and less productive, I stayed in Sheffield and probably did more UKEC works than my colleagues because many of us went on holiday. So why stay and not go on holiday too? Because we're waiting for Salmi, my housemate to finish her field trip then only we'll go on our own trip.
• You have no idea how grateful I am for that one week delay, because our first destination: Brussel, had an explosion that week. We could have been on that place that day!
• Went to Liverpool for an arts exploration with Intan! Went to Tate Museum and I very much like the arts gym concept! Liverpool was very different that what I imagined (I assumed it was sort like Sheffield but Sheffield was very kampungly aman-ish)
• Did volunteering for an arts event in Rotherham, but I couldn't turn up for the second day because I was ill. Like many arts events here in the UK, I found their event concept is very cool.
• Second week, went to Belgium. Cancelled our bookings in Brussel due to the security issue and burnt some tickets but I didn't feel that bad. 
• Went straight to Antwerp (went by bus and didnt know we'll be in ferry transit haha, I was so lost that I discovered we're in ferry only after I felt a very bad sea-sickness) and went to Ghent for a day trip. It was amazing (will tell you detail-er in next post hopefully)
• Went to Amsterdam after Belgium.
• And the must visit Koekonhoef for its tulips! I now have thousand stock pictures of flowers haha.
• Straight after the trip, I had an event in London. Erm yes UKEC Careers Fair to be exact.
• I fell sick on the third day of the Fair. But I need to get back to Sheffield, so we get back to our place with me half-conscious of what I'm doing. It must look terrible whoever witness me carrying my large backpack very weakly.
• I passed out for a week, I still remember being so worried cause I could tell no one about my illness and how no one could get to me (my whatsapp was crazy after that one week). 
• Yes, I actually had a very bad fever twice just in the easter break period. I have no idea what happened to my antibody.
• And just as I recovered: SPRING SEMESTER STARTS! 
• Everything happened so fast and now I'm having my final review (didnt finish my things yet, I'm actually waiting for Autocad to finish installing haha). But see you next time! 
• Thanks for reading!

This guy a professional filmmaker from USA

The arts school where I volunteered

Favourite stairs in Liverpool city

Well I told ya its my fave haha

Me sitting awkwardly in Liverpool Arts Gallery

Some people's works

We did this for free!

I already expected that we'd wear matching outfits. I just can sense it

Beautiful cafe we went for breakfast in Liverpool

ARCHIES is my favourite milkshake heaven!

Even I'm out of focus, but the bg so beautiful!

But honestly the art gallery experience was really different than the one I went while in Malaysia

Selamat tinggal 2015, selamat datang 2016

Its that season of the year again: social medias are showered with peoples' reflections. And in all honesty, 2015 is a year full of the unpredictables. In wordier reflections, it is also the year where:

I end my International Baccalaureate Programme!
My first half of the year was monotone, it was all about struggling in my study - something I never felt like my thing, fighting the doubts from people around me, while overcoming my own fears towards the dready IB exam. Almost gave up on Mathematics Higher Level because our teachers did. But eventually Alhamdulillah I passed! The end result was better, at least than what I expected. The underdog made it!

I have no idea where I gonna pursue my study next
Our sponsors said that passing the requirement would get you to study abroad, but I learnt that is at least whats written in the initial agreement. My post-IB plot, in the middle of the year, was much complicated than the written agreement. If a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor, then me and my batch-mates should be thankful for the hurricane. Our fate was tightly dependent on currency, which was staggering days by days. 2015 was criticized for its comical economic growth, and it affected us to a certain degree of commotion. We had a lot of dramas involving mara HQs, lecturers, parents and even politicians. Sponsored students become an issue. I already imagined myself in some Australian university, or even Malaysia's I remember dont really mind anymore. But in less than one month from uni commencing date, we were given the green light for studying in the UK! Despite the craziness of that one month (getting CAS, TB test, VISA process) and the pain in the neck RM1=6.70gbp, Alhamdulillah I am in the UK now. In fact studying was the only reason that'd allow me to set foot on my land of birth (since a holiday in Europe is a luxury to me) and I was given that one chance.  I couldn't be any more grateful.

My uni campus map!

I didn't know I can miss so many people  
This is not a lovey dovey stuff. Almost at every places I go and for all the beautiful things I see, I always, always imagine seeing it with my family and friends. I wonder how exciting it must be if they're with me now. And there are times where I felt very nostalgic about old memories and little details, even they are just my mere acquaintances. And to your wonder, I don't get homesick, in fact I felt weirdly closer to my families, probably because there's endless list of every possible way to stay in touch, which I would hardly utilized if I'm still in Malaysia,

I discovered new things
Including things about myself, alpacas and kilts. And I fell in love with studio culture! All this while people been telling me about what its like to be an architecture students, but I never know what it really felt like. Now I'm experiencing it, I really like to make a separate post about this one day. Btw felling in love doesn't mean I'm acing my subjects (my interim review was bad), but then of course there's always new things to be learnt everyday ;)

I'm back in action again ecewah
My second year in IB was totally boring because I resolved to just focus on IB and nothing else. But I dont think I can bear the feelings of not being busy. So my second half of the year, I decided to take part in things I wanted before I regret not doing anything in life. I played netball (where I remember feeling very very stress bcause I'm lacking stamina) and had training with the locals, whose playing styles are way different, extremely fast and tall (obviously).

Sometimes I believe life is like driving a car. If you just focus on the road throughout the journey, and when accident happened (or you reached you destination), you might regret the fact that there are other important things that you need to focus along with the road, like the rear side mirror, cermin belakang etc?

With that being said I am also part of the Sheffield Malaysian Games committee, and I joined UKEC! I honestly dont know how I make it to the team in the first place but I am so happy to be a part of these amazing people, and I really look forward for a great (and busy) year ahead!

UKEC Executive Council 2015/2016

Your Executive in the Connect Office

I made tonnes of new friends
Malaysians and non-Malaysians! Making friends across the worlds is definitely a booster in restoring humanity. I'm glad I am surrounded by close friends that doesn't do clubbing and drinking. But I really hate to think what would happen once I done my study here. I hate to think that many of these people will just walk away from my life. But thats what most people do anyway.

I did two websites!!!
Never have I imagine that I'll be handling website for real! With real domains! I didn't expect my website skills that was just for fun in ITGS class would be so useful in my days now. They were both Sheffield Games website and UKEC's although sadly, my colleague have revamped the UKEC website now so you cant see my works there. But you can still go to sg.smsa.org.uk to see the first website I do!

 And lots of graphics!!
After all these years, I got a Macbook finally! And for real, I legally bought the expensive Adobe Creative Cloud out of desperate because UK's implementation of stopping torrent/piratebay is real people. In a positive way I felt like it motivates me to never stop making designs.

My unfiltered expression when unboxing the mac for the first time, mak had to layan me of course

I didn't know my Photoshop and Illustrator hobbies can earn me good times, even here in England! Having all those skills in architecture seems to be added-value (and its probably the reason some of the student from my course actually talk to me).

But that aside, I am really grateful my niece Arifah  introduced me to photoshop when I was in primary school. She doesn't know this (kalau arifah baca ni, thank you arifah!), but that was the moment I am attracted to photoshop and started to figure out how I can get it for free. At 14, I managed to own an illegal crack of photoshop and it was the beginning where I played a lot with them. Excuse me if I sound like an old brag, I just wanted to pinpoint the fact that all the things you once learnt will always benefit you sooner or later!

Also, the year where I look forward for a new year!

And the best thing about new year is of course, how everyone - regardless of who you are - is given another chance to start all over again. Although I never believe in new year resolutions, although I always think its something more nicer to be said than done, but I think I really need one now.


I dont know if anyone still read my blog, but happy new year! Lets make a better 2016 if not for someone else, at least for yourself!
Thank you for browsing through my rant! You already make a better 2016 for myself ;P