To be fair, I keep complaining about myself, which when I come to think about it, is the reason why I keep running around in this circle of messiness. I last wrote in this blog until 2017. Three years has passed since, but honestly I feel those three years went so slowly with almost no progress on my end, as compared to my hectic days in previous years. But is this true?
Lets rewind and see.
2017. My second and third year in architecture school. During my semester break, I had my first psychosis episode while I was a facilitator in Small Changes camp in Kuala Krai, Kelantan. I didnt know what was happening at that time, I was super confused, but I concluded that I had a severe depression which I kept silence, led me to hallucination and delusion. All my life I couldnt ask for help, simply because I really did not know how. I have grown to settle my issues on my own, or either just run away from it. But this experience finally led me to reach out for help from my family for the first time. Thats a huge step for me.
- I also learnt that unresolved issue will haunt you until you fixed them. I have so many unresolved problems, I thought just dismissing them would do but thats a mistake. So settle your problems as quick as you can to avoid them linger much longer, no matter how hard they are. When they linger around, you cant quite keep your mind focus on other things freely.
- Dont pent up your feelings. They can and will explode. Learn to manage your stress effectively.
2018. My final year. Or what supposed to be my final year. Right when its about my final week of review (or called crit in most archi school) I had another episode of explosion / which is actually my psychosis. This time severe, more embarassing and I probably would not forget them until another decade. I was sent to a mental health ward (Michael Carlisle Centre) where I made a lot of friends and met my new best friend. Which is the best thing. And definitely my best two weeks in my life because the experience I had there was super rich and golden. (I save that for story time later inshaAllah)
So I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I dont think I have bipolar tho, because honestly I dont remember having manic episode ever, except that psychosis. I spent a lot of times going to and back from hospitals. Went to all sort of hospitals too, which fascinates me since I never went to hospitals at all except for the very rare once-in-many-years medical check-ups. I went to quite a few mental health hospital too to visit K. He was transferred many times, from Burbage where we met, to Endcliffe, to London. Probably gonna wrote about this on another time too. And I took the extenuating circumstance year. Which means I gonna extend the year doing architecture from my home and submit my portfolio online (since I have no money to study in the UK for that long without scholarship money!)
2019. Honestly 2019 and this year are blurring into one single continuos and monotonous year since I didn't achieve and do much. Most of it because of my fear of driving. Hope I will get to overcome this soon! But miraculously, despite the inefficiency of working from home and not in studio culture, not having a crit, not having a tutor, i officially got my degree! That was truly a blessing from Allah SWT when in reality I really feel like I did not deserve to even pass it.
And I was again blessed when my parents enable me to attend my graduation, as my cousins came along with me which I never would have imagine.
2020. I started my career with being an illustrator. Really, I cant think of anything else of what I did. Will continue later brb
No comments:
Post a Comment