Thursday, February 7, 2013

Black, White & Gray

Lately what I've been revolving around is all those things that make me wonder, you know, just wonder. About life, death, marriage, friendship. To me they seem like the most enormous issues on earth you can talk about for your whole life non-stop. You can even dedicated a whole new blog set up for each of them your choice if you wanna. There's always a debate in those words. Those things are like huge circles in our life and we are in its center. We take part in each of them because there seems no exit we can't escape. Prepared or not, we all play with them in our own way. Some takes it seriously, and some not. Mature or childish. Positive, or negative. Right or left. See? Subconsciously we always regard the world as if it is divided by this magical line into two blocks. As if there's always black and white in everything. 

But too often, we tend to forgot that there is grey, another colour which  is resulted if you paint the yin yang too wet, they going to mix. Yes, these two blocks can mix very easily. In fact personally I think everyone is gray. We all don't have a rigid me and you, we are always we. I always have this belief that when a group of person is sitting together, they will always be something common among them, its just unspeakable or either unthinkable. I've done a little experiment about that but I wouldn't tell you now. Because that will cause another hundreds extra words. And so, just because I don't talk about my problems doesn't mean that my problems don't exist. Just because I'm wearing the biggest smile on earth that doesn't mean I'm feeling infinite. There are times when you dont feel sad, but you aren't happy either. You are broken but you pretend you're so ok.  Like you have a war inside you. There is always some of us who are trying to get through the days without falling apart. There are some of us who is alive but have long been dead inside. Sometimes we feel so sad, so lonely you think no one can understand how does it feel to be you. Have you ever feel like that? Like the whole world is turning its back on you? I bet everyone have, but perhaps yours is the deepest. Even so, please don't ever consider your life as in black. Living in that black area is like a house with walls so high and brings no hopes at all. Its full of negativity and malevolent vibes. So lets pause for a minute, think. And remember you old days. Where you, just like us, have had your happiest moment too. Stay in the gray area because you will be expecting to be in white just any time soon. And even if you fall again, sometimes its okay, as long as you can get back up! And when its the little rays sunshine that get you through, tahdaaa you're in white! And while I'm being positive right now, when all those cherished moments are stretched ends to ends, doesn't it seems like forever? 

Wait. You do understand what I'm talking about, dont you?

Because all of this are happening. I always wonder if there is any teacher to teach me about this seamless life. How to prepare for them? How to handle them correctly? Am I doing what I supposed to do? Up until today I wish all school in this universe could expose their students to the ultimate guide to survive life, to fight death and conquer love. There should be a syllabus about life and its whole complicated constituent, not been forced to be so malaysian-exam-oriented. Not letting us experimenting with the world gleefully, that one day it lured us to failures, until long enough we realised its a fool, and we have been lied. And its too late to change anything.

Remember how the thing that hurt the most is pretending it doesn't? Honestly my thoughts tend to be better in novels that I didn't write, and song I didn't sing. Even then, sometimes there is no books, no songs, no work of art that can explain the way you really feel. There is a double-edge comfort knowing that no one really knows. 

But now you know it's always better, generally speaking, to be in gray.

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”
“I don’t much care where –”
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.

The Cheshire Cat

2 comments:

miai said...

Seriously , tak faham apa Ulfah nak sampaikan :/

Nazirul Sarah bt. Ishak said...

thanks Ulfah. Aku tak tahu kenapa aku rasa macam kau tengah cakap kat aku. Thank you Ulfah. Please guide me...